Kababadah

2010-04-08T00:04:00.003-04:00

I'm so happy! So far my jogging is going great. I have only missed one day. Yesterday i took some Benadryl for my pollen allergy, and was pretty much out for the rest of the day. I really think the break did me good though. Today i was able to run farther and didn't lose my breath as easily. Jogging for me is a great way to clear my mind and relax. There has been a lot on my mind over the last couple of weeks so that has been especially nice.

This Saturday will be yet another Stafford wedding. This particular wedding has been greatly anticipated by all. I am so excited that Hanna found such a wonderful man to marry. I think Ben will be a great addition to our family. It's so exciting to watch our family grow! It won't be long until the talks begin about who will be getting married next. It's hard to believe that the last wedding was two and a half years ago. So much has happened over those two and a half years...

I can't wait to see all of my siblings and niece and nephews! It's just a bummer that it's going to be such a short trip for everyone.

running

2010-04-03T19:57:00.003-04:00

i'm not sure what made me start, but i am now jogging daily .i mean i have for the last four days. i don't go far, but it's so much fun. i just put my ipod on, turn up the music nice and loud, and run. when i get tired and think i can't take it anymore i set a goal. i tell myself, if you can just make it to that sign, or tree, or whatever then you can stop. yesterday while i was running and thought i couldn't go any further i told myself that i was a rock-star! i cracked myself up so much over that that i almost face-planted on the sidewalk. it was so funny!!! i really hope no one was watching me. my goal is to run at least a little every day until my sisters wedding (april 10). After that i will probably set another goal, but for now i am liking the short-term goals. i'll keep you posted on how it goes. =)

PHIL STACEY - You´re Not Shaken

2010-03-11T19:50:00.000-05:00

I am sinking in the river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

/Chorus/
When every little thing that I have dreamed would be just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my beliefs are crashing down like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

/Chorus/

When I am in the valley
of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken
You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left

You're not shaken
You're not shaken

2010-02-28T20:38:00.000-05:00

2009-11-27T18:14:00.000-05:00

Life is continually changing

2009-08-02T22:28:00.002-04:00

Since my last post-

James got a temporary job

Went on vacation to Florida

Found out Janel and Aaron are having a boy.

We joined capstone church.

James got a great job offer in Columbia, SC.

James quit his temporary job.

James accepted the position in Columbia.

I went to Florida for a sister weekend that turned into a family weekend.

James received his start date (august 3).

On our first day of searching we found a wonderful apartment in Columbia. It’s less than a mile from James’ new work place.

(I’m sure I am still forgetting something) =)

Now I am here in Fountain Inn, and James is in Columbia. I have two more weeks of work and then I am off to Columbia, too. I’m so excited! We have wanted to move for awhile now. Everything is falling into place. I guess that is how you know that it’s God’s will. We are really going to miss our friends here in Ft. Inn/S’ville, but we will be back every couple of weekends. I’m so looking forward to what the future holds for us. I’m continually amazed at how the Lord works things out. We have prayed many prayers this year, and we have seen God work in huge ways. I will never forget this year and all the ways that I have seen God work. I’m really going to miss everyone at our new church, capstone. By the way, if you are looking for a church you should really check Capstone out.

hmm... what to write?

2009-04-18T09:59:00.002-04:00

A lot has happened since my last post. I can't believe that it has been 3 months already. This year seems to be flying by.

A couple of weeks after my last post James was laid off from his job. Thankfully though they continued paying him for the following three months. The timing of him losing his job couldn't have been worse, but it couldn't have been better either. This year has brought a lot of new struggles for us, but through it all God is good. We have drawn close to Him and closer to each other.

I am amazed every day at the wonderful things God is doing. We have found a church!!!!!! I am extremely excited! I actually look forward to Sunday now! We are starting to get more involved and meet new people. I have even been put on the nursery list! =) I know it seems silly, but after not having a place to fit in for so long, it just feels so good. I don't know that I could have made it through the stress this year has brought without the church and my sister Janel.

James and I both got braces in February. We both hate them, and we are looking forward to the day we get them taken off. I can't wait to see the results!!!

It seems that our family is growing. Not mine and James'. =)
Nathan and Stacia are having a baby girl in September. Janel and Aaron are having a baby in November. I have been having dreams about twins for the past week so I am betting that Janel and Aaron are having two babies. I can't wait to find out! I wonder who will be next.

If you think about it would you please pray that James will find a job soon.? We would really appreciate it.

~Sara

small update

2009-01-16T11:59:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, it's been a long time since my last post. =)

Things just don't seem to be working out for us to build our house right now. It seems that all the doors are closing. We are however keeping our eyes and ears open for a fixer up house. Something we could live in for a few years and fix up to sell for a profit. We would still greatly love to build a house, but it looks like it may have to wait. God must have something else for us! I just keep trying to remind myself that God is the one in control and He has a perfect plan for us. I like to be in control, know what is going on, and know what's going to happen next so this process is a little difficult for me. But I am trying to just trust Him and His leading in our lives.

We have some super exciting news! My brother Nathan and his wife Stacia just announced that they are expecting their first child sometime in September! This is going to be only our second niece/nephew on my side of the family. So we are really excited!!!! Another child to spoil.... i mean love. =)

Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

2008-11-02T11:31:00.003-05:00

Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families,

Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome

Part 1

Reprinted from the website: www.nogreaterjoy.org

August and November 2008 Online Editions.

(Reprinted from the website www.nogreaterjoy.org August 2008 Edition)

Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families, Part 1

Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome

By: Michael & Debi Pearl

The Foger family came to stay with us one spring about 12 years ago while they were on furlough from Mozambique.

Their eighth child was soon to be delivered. Although I had just met the family, I was highly impressed by them. The oldest daughter, 19 years old, was a joyful, hardworking, energetic, blue-eyed beauty. The next, a 17 year old son, was cut in the mold of his father, dedicated, reserved, and very mission-minded. The five other children were 13 years old and younger. The family sang together with strong, forceful voices, no bashfulness among them. The two oldest children provided the instrumental accompaniment. It was an experience just listening to such a group.

They all understood and spoke two languages. The oldest two children spoke three languages. The father had left South America after ten years of mission service to move to another country, which meant learning another language. The parents still stumbled around slowly learning the Portuguese language. The two oldest children were invaluable in the new ministry, which was already showing promise.

While we sat around one evening, the mother casually asked us to pray that their daughter find a husband before they left for Mozambique in the Fall. I asked in a shocked manner, "Why on earth would you want her to marry now? She is such a blessing to you and knows the language. Surely you need her to help you with the other children." The mother lifted her arched brows as she pondered how she would answer me. Her look conveyed her surprise at my lack of understanding. "We will be in a foreign country for the next 4 years. All that time she will be at the prime of her marriageable age. We feel it is best for her to marry an American. God called my husband to Mozambique as a missionary…not our adult children. We have obeyed God and raised them up to serve HIM…not US. We don't add; we multiply. It is time for her to live her life."

That next year we received a mission card with their picture. There were only six children in the picture. The mission letter briefly stated that the oldest son was in Bible school and the daughter was married.

Over the years I received their missions update. I noted that the parents were growing fatter and grayer. The children disappeared from the picture, one or two every year or so. It was sad to see the diminishing of such a magnificent family. The mission letters were filled with gospel film presentations to prisoners and villagers, church camps, protracted meetings, people getting saved, and only a brief mention of their now grown children. They would write something like, "Joshua and his wife are in Romania serving as missionaries; Peter and his wife are in Russia working with the something ministry; Sara married this year. Her husband is the pastor of a church." And so it went.

Today we receive mission letters from their now grown and ministering children. I see their families expanding. Their joyful, energetic, blue-eyed beauty of a daughter is now the mother of six children. Her family is growing up in Cajun country. I know if I meet them I will be very impressed. I heard that they sing like soldiers…with power and command.

I am thankful for the testimony of the Foger family as well as other families that have come into our lives. They are a prototype to help us understand the problems that are arising among some older homeschooling families. We call it by different names. Today it is the Cloistered Homeschooled Syndrome. Briefly, it is the failure of the parents to understand, appreciate, and respect the individuality of their adult children. They sacrifice the individual identities of their children on the altar of their own emotional needs, making them nurse when they should be killing and dressing their own food, making them obey when they should be learning to command. They seem to think that grown children are God's gift to them rather than their gift to God. Through letters and personal contact, we see more and more of this cult-like isolationism, parents demanding absolute allegiance to the family group, and fearing outside contact might break up their "fellowship." Adult kids who want to launch out on their own are told that they are rebellious and disloyal and are causing grief to those who have nurtured them. Emotionally needy parents manipulate their grown children into remaining loyal to the unit. Thirty-year-old daughters sit at home acting as surrogate mothers, watching their prospects to ever be a mother dwindle.

You cannot stop a tree from growing without killing it or deforming it. Likewise, every year of one's life up until about the age of twenty-one or twenty-two is a year of radical change and development. Some parents are trying to stop that development, clinging to their teenagers like they were six years old. We have observed the victims many times. They either flee their chains in anger, or they are slowly smothered into inordinate submission, and their personalities die as they merge into the ego of their dependent parents.

This medieval hierarchy is preached as Bible doctrine. Father and Mother as King and Queen of their little kingdom preach the divine right of Kings and parents—"Obey me without question, for it is your manifest destiny." Their "patriarchal" status is the only expression of their significance in an otherwise disconnected world, and they milk it until their children are dry and lifeless in spirit, or until they fly away to breathe fresh air.

For over a year we have been discussing this subject, thinking about how to address it. We have talked with many young adults who are, or were, held captive, the rebellious and the subdued, those who are disciples of Christ and those who are worldly and lost. We have spoken with families who lost their children early, in their teens, and families who lost a child to the world in their twenties or later.

How did this happen? It is the old pendulum at work. Thirty to forty years ago Christian parents were losing their children to the world through public schools, public churches, and public play. The family was disconnected and dating was the norm. We rebelled against the soul eating monster and took charge of our lives. Our children would not be raised on the TV. They would not lose their virginity in a school bathroom or under the stairwell. No more evolutionary philosophy and godless history and science. We took our children home and taught them from used books and the Bible. We created culture anew, abstaining from mega churches with their youth groups and revolving boy-girl relationships. We parents became the principle influence in our children's lives, selecting their friends and ours with care. No overnight sleeps or backyard playhouses with closing doors. Family worship and Bible study took the place of Television. Once again parents were in charge and there was hope.

It felt good to be in control of our own destiny, to not be a victim, to know that our children would escape the sin and shame that some of us had to go through before we came to Christ.

There was a vacuum, a need for leaders to arise and define what had become a movement, to clarify our journey and give us direction through uncharted waters. First, curriculum was written, then seminars. Sub-movements arose to flesh out the new culture, specialists addressing every conceivable issue—head coverings, dress, doctrine, spanking, scheduled nursing, Kosher foods and Jewish practices, and the list goes on. Books were written, some good, some not so good. Then someone pulled from ancient Chaldean and Sumerian culture, also practiced by Jews of that day as reflected in Scripture, a system of Patriarchal rule. It was the way nomadic clans were held together, a necessity of the times, but never taught by Moses, the prophets, or Christ as God's divine plan.

I laughed the first time I hear of the Patriarchal Movement. "It will never fly," I said, "People are not that gullible." But they were. Daddies who were never in charge of anything, maybe not even their wives, were finally given justification for assuming the throne. Yippee!

It is now become a disease of epic proportions. We call them PDFs, Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families. The children are treated as permanent property of the parents. If they don't marry, and many of them never have the opportunity, they remain at home as a sort of indentured servant, never rising to the status of an adult, always under authority of the head of the clan, the Patriarch Daddy. Don't snicker. A lot of kids are hurting. And if you want to see something scary, try to conduct a betrothal with two patriarchal mothers involved. It is uggggly.

Daughter sits at home serving the younger children and doing Mama's chores—waiting for God's choice. Daddy and Mama hold their merchandise guardedly, waiting for a buyer who never comes.

What is pitiful is the whole process is done in hopes of getting the perfect will of God, but one vital ingredient is missing—encouraging your children to become responsible, autonomous, well educated, and experienced adults as soon as possible. You should have trained your sons to be men by the time they are fifteen, independent by the time they are eighteen. Your daughters should be capable of living apart from the family by the time they are eighteen and should be allowed to make their own life's decisions somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty. Unmarried, grown (18 years old) children may remain at home; it is good if they do; but the parent-child relationship should evolve into an adult-adult relationship by the time they are sixteen to eighteen years old. Parents should have earned the right to give advice, and kids should have grown in wisdom enough to ask for it. But a parent should never invoke his parental authority on a grown kid. It is demeaning to both and akin to not being potty trained.

To teach a student to drive or fly a plane and then always make him be in the company of his parents is degrading. You teach them so they can become independent of you. Whose need is being met when a Father treats a 22-year-old girl like a child, dictating the parameters of her choices?

The glory of a parent is to work himself out of a job, to stand back and see his kids fly solo. I expected to have supplanted myself by the time my kids were eighteen. And so it was. Long before that, I began to confer with them adult to adult. I have stepped back and allowed them to make decisions that I knew were not the best choices, and sometimes I was wrong; they were wiser than I.

Space does not allow us to say more at this time. More will come later. Sit down and talk with your nearly grown kids. Ask them what they want, feel, aspire to. Don't express hurt, and don't emotionally manipulate them. Encourage them to pursue their dreams and support them in their effort.

In 1996, our daughter Rebekah Joy, then a 20-year-old in training to be a linguist, wrote this poem. At the time, the poem was the future; it was full of promise and hope.

There is a mighty army

Being trained to stand and fight.

A Battlefield of soldiers

Learning what is right.

A Company of warriors

That will boldly take the Word

To every tribe and nation

Til every soul has heard.

There is a mighty army,

I've seen them everywhere.

Most are wearing diapers

And dragging Teddy Bears.

Infants in the training

Drilled in right and wrong.

Mom and Dad are making

Soldiers brave and strong.

There is a mighty army

Trained in righteous war.

Cheer them on to victory,

Children of the Lord!

At 22 years old, Rebekah went into a remote mountain range of Papua New Guinea to study the language of a tribe who had never even seen a white person. Her 19-year-old brother, Gabriel, went for a few months, then was replaced by Nathan, her 17-year-old brother. Nathan stayed for a few months until he believed that she would be safe. She was left alone on that mountain with the unreached tribe. After two years, others came to help, and she came home.

It was her understanding of languages that gave us the information needed to pass on to veteran missionary Tom Gaudet. He is a publisher of Bibles into obscure languages. He sent out an appeal on the web for any translator that might have been working on a common language of that area. He received 14 replies. One was from a missionary who had spent 35 years translating the Bible, but when he went home he couldn't raise the money to get it printed. Tom pulled together all the translators, had them correct each other's work and settle on a finished manuscript. We raised the money to get 20,000 printed and shipped.

Sending a beautiful, unassertive, young woman is not God's usual way. He was proving a point. He was making a statement to her, to us and to you. "If I can protect and use this young girl to win a remote tribal people, then I can do the same for you."

Rebekah kept a diary of those years, which we read when she came home. We wept at her courage and resolve. We wept that we had the honor of being her parents. We published Rebekah's Diary in 1997. She was such a regular, normal girl until God gave her the vision of reaching a tribe. A few years ago, missionaries contacted us and told us that there are now seven strong villages of believers on that mountain and that the village men proudly carry their Bibles under their arms.

Because a young girl went willingly…

Because we, HER PARENTS, didn't say no.

Because she would have obeyed us and stayed home.

But we cheered her on to victory…

There are new names written down in glory.

(Reprinted from the website www.nogreaterjoy.org November 2008 Edition)

Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families,

Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome, Part 2

By: Michael & Debi Pearl

They plod on in blind faith trying to do better, but they blame their failure on their children...When things don't work out like the model they have been presented, they shut the door tighter against the world outside, not realizing that their failure... is actually a universal side effect of a very bad idea.

The response to our first article in this series has been phenomenal. The need was far greater than we imagined. The questions we've received have run in the same vein:

• Is the Patriarchal doctrine scriptural?

• What does the Bible mean when it commands us to honor our father

and mother?

• What can I do to stop feeling guilty?

• How can I help my siblings escape their bondage?

• How can I help my parents overcome their bitterness and rejection?

• When and under what circumstances can I act contrary to my parents' wishes?

This article is quite long, largely because we have recorded portions of more than a dozen letters. If I tried to convey the ideas you will read in these letters, you would think I was overstating the facts. These letters speak volumes. I am convinced that this "Patriarchal" evil disguised as righteousness will be disposed of by simply dragging it into the light. The facts are too embarrassing and shameful for this pretense to continue. Many have continued to be faithful to their patriarchal precepts in spite of the many indications of failure, convincing themselves that their poor family experience is the exception. They plod on in blind faith trying to do better, but they blame their failure on their children, accusing them of worldliness and rebellion. When things don't work out like the model they have been presented, they shut the door tighter against the world outside, not realizing that their failure is visible to the whole world, and is actually a universal side effect of a very bad idea.

There has been a sacred hush over the exalted doctrine of the patriarchal family. None dare question a system that stands for a recovery of Biblical values and promises to restore the family to a Christian culture. The headline is respectable and is innocent-sounding enough—Patriarchal Family. After all, doesn't the Bible tell us that the husband is the head of the woman and of his house and that children are to obey their parents?

I understand the motivation of the Patriarchal authors and purveyors. The crumbling of the Christian culture calls for radical solutions. The church is in desperate need to be reconstructed in accordance with the Word and the Spirit. The world seeps into our children like cold air into a log cabin in a ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Montana blizzard. Righteous parents are desperate for a solution. They looked for a scriptural means of correcting the problem, but believed a "Hath God said" partial truth—now clearly proven to be a lie.

The Patriarchal/Extended Family movement has been around long enough to demonstrate its bankruptcy. It is time to lay it aside and go back to the old-fashioned Holy Spirit-filled family—a family "in the world" ministering, but not "of the world." These true families are overcomers, not barricaded babies. They are militant godly witnesses of the gospel of Jesus Christ, not fearful, isolated survivors of an evil and intimidating culture.

A Physician's Perspective:

Dear Pearls,

As a family physician who sees many homeschool families in my office, I am fully aware of how much damage is being done to young women because of this "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome." It started with good intentions, but has grown so far out of balance that these families are becoming dysfunctional.

80% of my patients are Christians, and a good majority of them are homeschoolers. I have worked with over twenty young ladies from 20 to 35 years of age who are so sheltered that they have no freedom to minister outside of their homes unless they work directly under their fathers. They have no freedom in Christ and must only associate with those who walk, talk, and look just as they do. To desire to be educated as an adult or to think on their own is forbidden. To have friends who do not belong to the "accepted group of believers" is unthinkable to the family.

This false teaching is creating a growing number of health problems in our young adult daughters in these homes, and also among the wives who are being forced to believe and teach these untruths to their children as truth. Satan is using this new Patriarchal teaching to destroy families in the Christian community everywhere. The effects of it is destroying believers' bodies due to extreme stress, and is taking them right out of their ministry to unbelievers, because they are too sick and are such a poor testimony to the world around them.

Please accept my gratitude for what you are doing, and please follow up on this important homeschool issue before more families are divided or destroyed.

Thanks for understanding.

Clip their wings.

Dear Mr. Pearl,

While homeschooling my own kids many years ago, we read an article that told about how certain ants secrete a hormone that prevents aphids from growing wings and flying away, allowing the ants to "farm" the aphids for the honeydew they produce. This is exactly what my parents did to us. We weren't just discouraged from exercising our wings and flying from the nest, we were prevented from growing wings at all!

I tend to believe that many of the Patriarchal families you speak of are really Matriarchal families. And if you think this is impossible, you have never experienced the power and mind control an extremely intelligent and manipulative mother can have over her (young) children's minds, and to some extent (though it may take years), over her husband. I don't know if she really controls my dad; I think he just gave up.

My 35-year-old (at the time) married sister once told me: "I won't cross the street without asking Mom and Dad for their permission!" And she was proud of this. You can imagine what her marriage is like. She has also copied my mom's manipulative tendencies and loves to cuddle up to my dad and "nurse" the wounds he suffers at the hands of my mother's controlling spirit.

When my mother, with my father's silent consent, tried to control her daughters-in-law and sons-in-law, they refused to submit, so mother treated them as unfaithful to the family, and expected the rest of the family to respond in kind.

We are expected to live our lives exactly as Mom and Dad ordain. We are to worship, think, believe, eat, work, and spend our leisure only with their approval. I watched as my mom became worse and worse in her "Queenship," the older she got and the older her (once little) subjects became. The fruit of her control has been family infighting and divorce.

I wish I could say that I knew how to "handle" my mom (my family) and her ways, and that I had stuck around to try and witness to them, but I have no idea how to handle her (them). And I refused to sacrifice my wife and kids any longer while I tried.

So, I took my family and left. I have severed all contact with my parents and siblings. My parents have made it very clear to everyone how my family has hurt them terribly by this separation.

My siblings throw at me: "You are not honoring your parents, and they may die soon. You are not a Christian, because if you were, you would follow the program!"

Yup! This kind of bizarre stuff goes on! We need to wake up and say, "NO MORE!" And stop pretending this sickness is what God meant by "honoring parents"!

I do not regret leaving. However, I do regret that my parents do not get to be a part of their grandkids' lives, that my kids don't get to know their cousins, and that we miss out on extended-family get-togethers. All because of my mother's refusal to let go, my dad's refusal to be a man, and my siblings' terror over admitting any of this! And my not knowing what to do to make things better!

Thanks again, A freed man

Got it right.

Dear Mr. Pearl,

I am from a Patriarchal Dysfunctional Family, as you put it. At 25 years of age, I left my father's home along with two of my younger sisters. We praise the Lord for providing wise counselors and pastoral support as we made the decision to leave the home. My father was the head of his own church, so we had to find counsel and pastors to help us realize the error of these teachings. I know that without them, I would have probably turned my back on Christ. To this day, we still do not have a relationship with my parents since we will not "repent" of forsaking our parents' authority and leaving "their" roof. Even though we reach out in love to them, they will not allow us to have relationships with our younger siblings or have contact with them. Yet, all three of us attend strong Bible-believing churches and are actively involved in ministry.

In many ways, I have come to understand that my love for Christ must be stronger than love for mother or father. "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). I never thought this is what my life would be like, but my love for my Lord has grown so much deeper. I hope others come to realize how devastating the Patriarch Movement is. Because my family was an "idol" in the Patriarch Movement (especially in the Vision Forum arena), the pressure and rejection we received was very severe when we left.

Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I know so many families who could benefit from this article. May the Lord bless you all richly.

Better late than never.

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Pearl,

This goes back to the question you asked in the article "Where are the Men?" Well, I became a man six years ago and eventually got out of Dodge! Thank you for your article. I needed that. Believe it or not, I still (occasionally) wrestle with guilt over leaving my family. My mom's influence is still hard to break at 40-some years of age! Actually, the sadness I feel is not over what I did, but over what our family misses as a result of this mess.

Fear.

Dear Mike & Debi,

I grew up in the worst of the cloistered dysfunctional families, and I can tell you the source of it is what God tells us we are not to have if we are His – FEAR. These parents FEAR too much. Just like the person who never leaves home for fear of being run over, these parents FEAR losing their kids. The parents believe they somehow are the only ones who know what is best for their maturing and adult children, and they thrive (literally) on their maturing and adult kids' attention, honor and obedience.

The children they have worked so hard to teach and train their way are now, as young adults, treated like ignorant and hopeless individuals. For them, God is considered powerless…even in the most conservative Christian circles.

Did it Right!

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pearl,

I have just read your article, "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome", and just want to stand on a chair and holler, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I am a homeschool product whose parents raised as an individual, with an intricate part of our close family, but with unique giftings. By the age of 14, I was an equal with my mom and dad, helping to raise my five younger siblings, not as a slave, but as my mom's partner and "right hand woman." As her peer, I learned through her example wifehood and mothering. I was her buddy and friend, and she was my mentor and role model. My parents realized that I had a call for missions on my life, and I spent my childhood and teen years nurturing independence and life skills so that I would be prepared for when we would be parted. As I write this from my living room in India, where I have served with my husband as a missionary for three years, I can't help but feel grieved for those of my friends who just became an extension of their parents, or those who got fed up and left the fold. Either way, they never saw life with God as an adventure, because the only future they had was the one carefully crafted by their parents. Thank you again for your article. I pray that it serves as a wake-up call for parents before it is too late. God bless you!

—Rebekah

Dead Inside.

Dear Mike & Debi,

I am a 25-year-old girl in one of these Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families. God gave me verses like Matt.10:32-39 and Luke 14:25-35, and asked me to give my heart fully to Him. He is, after all, a jealous God. My parents want me to give my heart to my father, and to follow them. I love my parents, and I do not want to hurt them or seem ungrateful. I actually enjoy being at home still, but feel as though I will be a perpetual child if I remain there. More importantly, I know that the Lord is calling me out so I can follow Him. I'm not allowed to believe differently from my parents' beliefs. Up until now, I have never had to trust God or have faith in Him, because I was just to follow my parents. But the longer I and my siblings stay at home, the more we are finding out that although we have been given the whole world, we are losing our souls. We are feeling dead inside. Is there a way to remain at home, under our parents, and be alive? Am I still supposed to relate to my parents like a child, or do I follow Christ as an individual? I was always taught that God wouldn't speak to me unless He also spoke to my father and gave him peace. Anything else was attributed to the Devil leading me and wanting to break up our home. Where does headship come into all of this? I do still want to honor my father and have him be my head, but how? Can I move from home and be alive in Christ, or must I remain at home to stay in His will? I have not been allowed to make a 'life' decision, and I would like my father's wisdom, but not his control.

No, my father doesn't know I'm writing to you. He doesn't agree with Michael Pearl, but agrees with Debi and the book, Created to Be His Helpmeet. He lets us get the No Greater Joy magazine, and each issue has an article that seems like you've been spying on our family by the way you address some issues. I just want answers so I can know my place. Thank you, if you can help me. I won't be offended if you tell me to stay under my father, or if you won't answer my questions without his ok.

What can I do?

I've already suggested counseling.

Dear Pearls,

I read your article, Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome. What do you do when your family is like this? What do you do when you are 23 and your father uses the word "submission" to control me, my mom, and my brothers and sisters? How does God want us to handle it? Is there any way to fix it, or does God want me to just wait for him to act? I've already suggested counseling, and they won't hear of it. Should I just pray? I'm at a loss.

Directionless.

Dear Mr. Pearl,

I am a 27-year-old single woman who read your article "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome" with great interest. How could you know what had been swirling in my head the past month? These past year(s)? I'm still at home with my parents, my family of three siblings (one is married), and am honestly directionless. I was raised with the mindset that I would get married shortly after high school, but after that didn't happen, and I became 21 and 22, my parents kept feeding me that I just needed to stay home, be patient, and the right guy would come. When I was 25, I finally was given permission to branch out and serve full time in a ministry away from home. I loved it. I finally felt like I had something to love in my single years and knew this was where the Lord wanted me. But my parents called me home after 9 months. Since then, I have felt incapable of hearing from the Lord. I was 100% convinced that this was God's leading to work at this ministry, and I went with my dad's blessing (even though it wasn't his first choice). It doesn't seem right, I'm still considered a kid, and treated as incapable of making decisions. I'm being molded into what my parents want me to be, not what God may have for me, even if it is completely different. It's incredibly frustrating. I don't want to live this way until I get married or, the rest of my life should God choose not to bless in that area. I don't want to be a rebellious daughter. I don't want to bring them heartache and sadness. But I do want to follow the Lord's leading—and what if that is different from their dreams? Can I do so and not be condemned?

How can parents learn to let go? How can adult children change their mindset so that they are not in rebellion to want to even think this way? Thank you for your time, and THANK YOU for your ministry.

A Reader

Angry Mother.

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Pearl,

I am a very concerned and frustrated 23-year-old daughter. My family has been having difficulties for some time now. I am no longer willing to be passive in regard to my mother's control. She has poured her life into her children, and I am so very grateful for her, but when my brother went to work out of town, my mother had a nervous breakdown. She had to talk to him on the phone at least once a day and became completely distraught when he would only talk a few minutes, saying he had to get back to work. When my brother refused to promise that he would live at home until he was married, she considered this to be a breaking up of her family and wrote my brother an eight-page letter telling him how sinful he was.

This past summer, I felt God's call for me to go to Bible college. God has impressed on my heart that NOW is the time for me to prepare myself for a life of service with whomever God calls me to marry. Mother let me go for one semester. There are those in my life who think a girl is not to leave home until married and does not need education like a man. I love being a girl and a keeper at home, and I expect to be a wife, submissive to my husband, but I will never be a houseplant. The very way God has made me requires me to learn constantly, to be active, and to live for more. I have a passion for learning and an adventurous spirit.

My father and I are very close, and I get his advice and blessing in what I do. When I returned home from college, I talked to my father about what God was teaching me, and I told him that I felt God was calling me to a different path, and that I wanted to return to college, and I wanted his prayer. I was so struck by how blessed I was to have a father with whom I can have such discussions. He was very encouraging and gave me his blessing, telling me he had been feeling the same way.

Then I went to tell my mother, and as soon as I said, "I am praying about returning to college" she blew up in tears and anger. In short, she wants me to stay home, get married, have grandkids, and live next door so she can have a big "multigenerational family." My mother says "a guy might not like a girl too educated," but I don't want to marry a man who is intimidated because his wife is intelligent and informed.

I am not sure how to deal with this. My mother tries to wear me down by talking about it every day for hours. Yesterday, I spent almost five hours listening to her. She told me that she thinks I don't respect her because I usually talk to my father first about things like college and such. Well, the fact is that my mother doesn't agree with my father on much and fights over everything. I am not very close to her, but I do go to her because of respect, even when I know she will go against me and against my father. She said I am rebellious and sinful. She will "not give her blessing for things she doesn't agree with," and I "will have to live with the consequences and pain of that."

She is chronically depressed, upset, and often points out the spiritual fault of all of us in this family—including my father. She thinks she is more spiritual than he is.

She says I've crushed her dreams and essentially ruined her life. She "doesn't like who I've become." Truly, my heart is to respect and honor both my parents, and I try so very hard. My father says that with him, I am being submissive and respectful. My mother says I am not with her…I should trust her judgment because she is a woman, and my father doesn't understand about girls as much.

It is difficult living in a home that is ripped apart daily by anger and tears. Most of all, I want to know how to act towards my mother. What does one do with two parents of different views? What more can I do to honor a mother with bitterness and constant conflict. She is very, very "spiritual" and will often cry and pray hours upon hours and read her Bible and always comes away with a message for us. The house is neglected, she doesn't want to see other people, and will not do any other activities unless pushed. I'm worried about her. I think she is mentally sick and, though this seems radical, oppressed by the Devil. Both my brother and I feel that our home often has a spirit of conflict and that can only be resisted by God's spirit of unity. I will continue to try to be kind and respectful in every way. My mother is incredibly insecure, so I will show her love with cards, notes, true words of encouragement, etc. Then, I will try to do something with her—a deliberate activity—once a week. I will pray for 1 Corinthians love. God has been with me for the past few years with her depressions and blow-ups towards the family.

Nothing may change in my situation, but I need to live victoriously. I have been amazed at the joy, peace, and presence of God I have every day. I think my father is often shocked at the peace and quiet joy with which I carry myself…It is ONLY GOD's doing. He is preparing me, and everything He does is on purpose, so I am not bitter or trying to get out of a lesson He has for me.

I have specific questions. Where is my place as a daughter? What is my role before marriage? Where does what God is telling me come in? Even more, what can I do to help her out of her prison? Life has to be miserable for her living like this. She is so unhappy and always worried. Guilt makes me feel that I am sinful and cannot serve God with the gifts He has given.

I cannot tell you how delighted I was to discover your article on this subject. It will probably make my mother mad. And I know I am not the only one in such a place. Please write more on this subject. My mother really needs to read it.

Mother raises independent adults.

Dear Mr. Pearl,

I just finished reading the article called "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome." Our oldest daughter (19 at that time; we have four more children age 7–12) left our little nest in May to serve at a Bible Camp in Minnesota. The temptation to hold on to her was really strong. Our mission statement of sorts for our family is: To raise strong intelligent, independent adults who desire to love and serve Jesus. If we held on, it seemed then we would not have been allowing God to work, not only in her life, but in ours also. She will be home for a short while this Winter, then she is planning to return to the camp next Spring/Summer. Your article truly hit home, and I love what you said that as parents, it is our job to work ourselves out of a job.

Rectified Misunderstanding...

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Pearl,

...is all I can say for your article on the Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome. In fact, it seems opposite of what most people "accuse" you of. I am most grateful that you have rectified this misunderstanding. We have had families in our church in the past who advocated exactly what you are writing AGAINST and saying that is how ALL TRUE Christian families should act. They say that Dad is the "high priest", grown daughters should not show aptitude for anything, except perhaps midwifery or herbology, and should never venture out on their own (even at 20 or 30 years of age!). Single or widowed daughters must move right back home, because they are now again under their father's authority because they are without a husband, etc. etc. I have been trying for years to put my thoughts into words, and you said it exactly! Thank you!

Thirty but seems twelve.

Dear Mike & Debi,

Was I surprised! Your article hit home on the "cloistered family." My brother is 30 but seems 12. Until Dad's death last week, he made my brother live at home. While my dad lived, he NEVER let my brother get a job. He was simply there to do my dad's bidding. Now that my dad has passed, I have to figure out what to do with my brother. He is "mentally stable" but his social skills are pretty bad. Now I am trying to figure out what to do with him. I do not know where to start! I only wished my dad had your article to read 30 years ago. Seeing how Dad raised my brother helped me in seeing how not to raise my own children. Now, I TRULY LOVED MY DAD. But with his ways, he has put my brother and me down a road that seems to have no light at the moment. All because he was selfish. How do I get my brother to where he can take care of himself?

Stupid Guilt

Dear Mike & Debi,

A thousand thanks for your article, Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome. I was raised in a situation like the one you described. I have struggled with guilt for more than a decade over my decision to "fly away to breathe fresh air" against my father's wishes. By God's grace, I ended up marrying a wonderful Christian man and am continuing to follow after God, but I was left to my own devices with zero parental support for several years.

I'm in a reasonable relationship with my parents (Now that I'm married and in a new patriarchy, as they see it, they will talk to me.), but they still hold my leaving over my head, and I know they are waiting for an apology for the breach of their patriarchy. I know there is much to be gained from them even in our imperfect relationship, but I'm hoping that your article will speak to them and bring some peace to our whole family the way it has to me.

Thanks so much for sharing your insight.

My parents are in my brain.

Dear Mr. Pearl,

I just wanted to express my thanks for your recent article called, "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome". In reading it, I saw it fit my family to a "T". My husband and I left my parents' jurisdiction, so to speak, about 5 months ago. We have a little boy almost 2 years old. We have struggled on a daily basis with many doubts and insecurities and continue to face negativity from my parents. It has been hard, knowing that the decisions we make are not according to my parents' beliefs. My parents are very much in the Patriachal thinking, and it has damaged my family in many ways. I am the oldest of five children and have just now left at 33 years old. My brother (the youngest) left my parents in December last year, and my youngest sister just left about 2-3 months ago. My sister after me is turning 30 and is still at home. I worry about her, as she has a very private personality. She has gone through a lot, and I believe she has a tendency to depression. She invests her life in a couple of dogs, which I think is used as an escape, because they make her happy. I don't talk to my folks much because there is always a negative atmosphere or underlying attitude that is very hard for me to live with. I am not even in their presence, and yet I feel like my parents are in my brain. I fear what they think of me. I came to the understanding after I left my parents that I was using my mother as my Holy Spirit. I don't blame my parents, because I know that I make my own decisions, but when the LORD helped me see this, I just cried because I see where it has led me. I just want to be able to feel and experience the LORD working in my life and be led by his Spirit, but there is so much confusion…

Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families, Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome, Part 3

(Reprinted from the website www.nogreaterjoy.org November 2008 Edition)

MICHAEL PEARL RESPONDS

We have been inundated with letters like these testifying of dysfunctional families. The last time we had this strong of a response to an article was years ago when we first published the article "Jezebel". Reading your letters, we have come to see that the two issues are really one. Rather than speaking only of Patriarchal (ruled by men) dysfunctional families, we should also be speaking of the Matriarchal (ruled by women) dysfunctional families. It is a deadly combination. When a man adopts the doctrine of bringing his family under the umbrella of parental oversight, Jezebel, with her emotional need to be nursed beyond the toddler stage, seizes on the doctrine to justify and solidify her Matriarchal rule. Dad still needs a little nursing from time to time and doesn't want to sleep on the lonely side of the bed, so he goes along with it, pretending to be the authority. Not fully understanding what is happening, he allows her to wield awesome power in his name, and will not speak his mind about how he really feels because he does not want to appear unspiritual.

And then, there are those families where Dad is the patriarchal head of his family and does not share the throne with his wife. His Patriarchal status readily turns to a monarchical rule. He jealously tightens his control until he squeezes the ambition and independence out of his children and his wife. Absolutism prevails.

Thirdly, there are those sincere families that just get caught up in the latest "Christian" trends. They desire the best for their kids and have no twisted emotional needs, no compulsion to be king and queen of an everlasting kingdom. They do hope to see their children marry and become independent, but the patriarchal system they have adopted has enslaved them as well as their children. The family is weak, maybe hurting, and their children are not maturing as they had hoped, and they are ready to see this sad movement in its true light. These articles will free them like the dove turned out of the dark and smelly ark after a year of confinement, having been tossed around on the waves of destruction.

Those with the King and Queen compulsions will defend their silly doctrine until the last kid leaves in bitterness or disgust. Those who are led by the Spirit of God will welcome the light of liberation and will throw off their own shackles and open their children's cages.

Honour your father and mother.

Men and women ranging in age from 18 to 80 are asking, "What does it mean to honor my father and mother?" The Patriarchal movement has capitalized on the misperception that honor means obey. The Scriptures are clear, there is no age limit on honoring your parents. In Matthew 15, Jesus rebuked the religious leaders for not honoring their parents. But nowhere in the entire Bible is honor synonymous with obedience, and nowhere does the Bible even suggest that an adult should obey his parents. It speaks quite to the contrary.

Jesus said very plainly, "For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me" (Matt. 10:35–37).

The Bible viewed in its entirety—not cherry-picked—throws a lot of light on the subject of honor to parents.

Foundational Passages.

The word honor (honour) is found in the Bible 146 times.

Following are the two Old Testament accounts of foundational passage on honoring your father and mother, and the New Testament reference and affirmation of the commandment.

Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Deuteronomy 5:16 Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Ephesians 6:2–3 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

God promised the Jews that if they would honor their parents (no age limit), they would continue to live in the Promised Land, but if their society failed to honor parents, they would be cast out of the land.

What it means to honor.

Leviticus 19:32 Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

1 Samuel 15:30–31 Then he said, I have sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and before ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD thy God. So Samuel turned again after Saul; and Saul worshipped the LORD.

Honor is Respect Due to a Person

Based On Any Consideration.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

If honor implies obedience, or conformity to the will of the other, then a husband is to obey his wife.

Honor all men.

Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;

Romans 13:7 Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honour to whom honour.

1 Corinthians 12:23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.

1 Peter 2:17 Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king.

We know we are not to obey all men, but we are told to honor all men, so honor and obey are not synonymous. If honor were to equate with obedience, Samuel could not have honored Saul with his presence at the sacrifice.

Inappropriate honor.

Proverbs 26:1 As snow in summer, and as rain in harvest, so honour is not seemly for a fool.

Proverbs 26:8 As he that bindeth a stone in a sling, so is he that giveth honour to a fool. [It will come back and hit you in the head.]

Ecclesiastes 10:1 Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour: so doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour. [An otherwise honorable person who commits folly stinks.]

"Honour to whom honour," but no honor toward a fool, even if it is a parent. You honor your parents as the ones who gave you life and dedicated one fourth of their lives to nurturing you, but you shouldn't lie and cheapen honor by being blind. A grown woman who honors a father who molested her and has never repented and sought restitution, that woman is binding a stone in a sling and flinging it with a certainty of it returning and hitting her in the head.

Jesus on honoring your father and mother.

Mark 7:9 And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition.

10 For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:

11 But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free.

12 And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother;

13 Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.

Jesus gives us a clear example of what it means to honor your parents. He was speaking to grown men in positions of spiritual leadership who found a loophole in the Jewish law which permitted them to abdicate their responsibility to care for their aging parents. They took their savings and, as it were, put it in an account labeled: "Dedicated to God." Having done that, they couldn't access it to spend on their needy parents. No doubt after the parents were dead, the money would be transferred to a retirement account for themselves.

Not honoring is:

• Cursing parents (Matthew 15:4).

• Withholding financial support (Matthew 15:5).

• Not doing for them when they are in need (Mark 7:12).

There is no mention of descendants obeying their parents—never.

Honor is:

• Being kindly affectionate (Romans 12:10).

• Seeking the good of the other (Romans 12:10—"preferring one another").

• Respecting the office or position of a person (Romans 13:7).

• Bestowing more honor than their level of gifts suggest (1 Corinthians 12:23).

Bottom Line.

Ephesians 6:1 Children, [Those being brought up—Ephesians 6:4] obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

2 Honour [Obedience and honor are separate issues.] thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)

3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. [Children, the ones who are to obey their parents, are being brought up—not yet adults.]

5 Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters [Parents are not masters; they are mentors, and children are not servants.] according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ;

Obedience and honor are separate issues.

We know this to be true because:

• The words are spelled differently.

• They are never used interchangeably.

• The context in which they are used demonstrates a clear distinction.

• A distinction is made the only time the two words appear in close proximity.

(Ephesians 6:1–5). Children who are being brought up are to obey their parents (6:1). All are to honor their fathers and mothers (6:2). And servants are to be obedient to their masters (6:5). Different words, different meanings, different applications. It is all in the Word of God, but kept carefully separated and distinct from each other.

1 Peter 2:13–14 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.

The language used here when commanding us to submit to government is conspicuously absent in those passages addressing the honoring of one's parents.

What Age?

What is the age at which a person stops being a child who is to obey and becomes an adult who assumes responsibility for his own life?

We don't need to guess. The Bible is clear.

Exodus 30:14 (38:26; Leviticus 27:3) Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD.

Numbers 1:3 From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their armies.

Numbers 14:29 Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward, which have murmured against me,

A Jew was counted as one year old when he was born, and became two years old when he commenced his second year, at the beginning of his thirteenth month of life. The way we reckon age, on one's nineteenth birthday he is reckoned to be an adult, responsible for himself.

There is much more that needs to be said, which we will address in subsequent issues. Send your questions or comments. Feel free to challenge what I have said. I learn more from sincere challenges than from flattery.

Anniversary Blog

2008-10-18T10:52:00.002-04:00

I hear all the time that the first year of marriage is always the hardest. Well, if that is really true then I think that James and I will be the happiest people in the world for the rest of our lives. Our first year of marriage has been great!!! We really haven't had many problems or struggles. God has greatly blessed us!

Not everyone had good things to say about us getting married, but after awhile I realized that I shouldn't be so worried about what others think. All I have to do is what I feel like God wants me to do, and it looks like it worked out pretty well for me. I have a wonderful God, a wonderful life, and a wonderful husband. What more could I ask for?

I pray that we will have a life time of anniversaries...

random pictures

2008-09-23T23:15:00.006-04:00

my flowers

James last summer

my nephew Jesse

James and I (October 20, 2007)

Lydia and I

Jazmine

my new flower bed

James and I

just some pictures i put together

house update

2008-09-19T09:54:00.007-04:00

We have our house plans and are waiting on quotes.

Yesterday, we got a call from engineered lumber telling us the layout needs to change for support reasons. So now things are on hold again until we can figure this out. The man that is taking care of engineered lumber for us is now on vacation until Tuesday. Which means we probably won't be able to get things moving again until the middle of next week. It is frustrating to have things on hold, but we knew it would happen at some point, and I am sure it will happen again. We are just trying to be patient and go with the flow.

a heavy heart

2008-09-19T09:54:00.004-04:00

Have you ever felt responsible for something when really you aren't? Have you ever felt like you should do something when it's really not in your power? Have you ever felt lost? Wishing you could help someone, and having no idea how you can? If only they would listen to the words coming from your heart. If only they could see... You want the best for them. You want the best for everyone...

not a good day

2008-09-12T11:33:00.001-04:00

Please pray for me today. I don't feel well. All I want to do is go home and climb into bed, but I can't. I have to go to work.

Finally!

2008-08-25T11:17:00.001-04:00

We have finished house plans!

2008-08-01T09:21:00.004-04:00

This is the first picture of what our new house should look like when it's finished! This is a back view.

puppies, anniversary, house plans.....

2008-07-21T11:38:00.004-04:00

Yep, I think our dog Jazz is pregnant! I guess we will know for sure in a couple of months. If she is pregnant this will be her first litter, so she may only have a couple. Hopefully they will all be healthy.

Yesterday was our 9 month anniversary!!! I can't believe it's been that long. It seems like we were married yesterday, and at the same time it seems like we've been married forever. Anyway, we had a nice evening at home, and talked about taking a vacation. I'm sure we will really need one in a few months. Things have been crazy!

We got our first drawing from the architect about a week and a half ago. I feel like we are actually getting somewhere now. James and I spent a lot of time looking over everything and making a list of changes. Wednesday James took the drawing and the list of changes back to the architect. She said that she should have another drawing for us this week. I believe James called her this morning, but I'm not sure yet what she said. Hopefully we will have the final drawing soon! Then we should be able to really get the ball rolling.

Yard Sale Fun

2008-07-04T22:22:00.002-04:00

James and I decided late Wednesday night that we were going to have a yard sale this Saturday. Yes, I know it was kind of last minute, but sometimes those are the most fun. =) So the cleaning began. First I clean out all of my clothes, (i have a LOT...really) Then it was the bus. (yes, we have an old school bus that we use for storage.) After that we moved to work on the house. Then it was back to the bus again. BTW- we did most of this just today. Thankfully my sisters Hanna, Esther, and our friend Alyssa came over to help. They were great! Unfortunately right before we put them to work some not so fun stuff happened. We have a cow pasture in our back yard, and Esther, Alyssa, and our two labs were watching the cows. Apparently they were standing right over a yellow jacket hive hidden in the ground. After they had been over there for a few minutes I heard some commotion and went to see what was going on. I found that both of the girls had been stung. Then I noticed that both of the dogs were covered with what looked like 15 yellow jackets each, and the girls were still being stung. The dogs began rubbing up against us to get the yellow jackets off. So the running began.... After running a few feet I realized that Esther was taking her shirt off to keep from getting stung further. Oh, no!!! Then I noticed that i had a yellow jacket in my hair and I started freaking out, too. So I started to run (jasmine was chasing me, and trying to rub against me). I made it to the porch. By that time i thought the yellow jacket in my hair was gone, and i hadn't been stung yet. James told me to spray the dogs with the water hose. I started and I think it helped a little, but then I realized that the yellow jacket was still in my hair so I started to spray myself with the water hose. I was so scared that I was going to get stung on my head or face and I did not want that to happen. Thankfully it didn't. Both girls and both dogs were stung a few times though. Alyssa was stung at least five times and Esther at least three. I have no idea about the dogs, but James, Hanna, and I came out a little wet, but sting free!

In the end we got everything together for the yard sale! I am so glad that the girls were able to come over and help. They even said that they will be back at 6:00 in the morning to help set up. It is so sweet of them. I just hope it doesn't rain on us.

well, that's all for now.

Please Pray

2008-06-20T12:18:00.003-04:00

James is going to try to get our windows this afternoon. This is the second time we have tried to do this. So we are really hoping that things will work out this time with everyone's schedule. James flight comes in around 2:15 so we are hoping that by 3:00 he can be at GBS to look at the windows. So if you think about us pray that everything will work out. This is holding us up.

I have been blessed

2008-06-18T12:05:00.002-04:00

I hear other girls talk about how they don't get along with their mother-in-law, and it makes me appreciate mine so much more. Since I first met my mother-in-law she has been so kind to me. She has had a lot of good reasons not to like me, and not to want me to marry her son. She had a right to fear for her son. She had a right to be wary of me and she was. Even for that I am thankful! It just shows me how much she really cares. And now we have a great relationship. I have a great relationship with both of my in-laws. They have had two other daughter-in-laws in the past and both of them caused a lot of hurt in the family. I am just so happy that we have each other now. Our relationship has grown into something wonderful. And I know that they know and believe that i really do love their son, and that I am going to do whatever i need to do to make out marriage work. And they also know that I am going to do whatever i need to do to make my relationship with them work. I love them. My mother in law and i went shopping together for the first time yesterday. It was just us, no guys allowed. We had so much fun! I wasn't really looking forward to doing some shopping that i really needed to do, but she came along and it made all the difference in the world. =)

I truly have been blessed in so many ways! I just wanted to share that. =)

Life happens

2008-06-16T11:05:00.003-04:00

Guess it's just the way life goes. This week was supposed to be filled with house plans and baby shower planning. Not my baby shower of course. I am throwing a shower for a friend. That is just what was supposed to be happening this week. Instead James was sent to Maryland until Friday and I am here to do all my baby shower planning on my own. Which means no house plans this week. =( I am a little disappointed about it, but you know...life happens. I have however made plans for James to look and hopefully purchase our windows and a few doors Friday afternoon when he returns home. We really need to get this done and out of the way as soon as possible. I work for a lumber company and we are hoping to be able to get some windows from the bone yard. The bone yard is stuff that was special ordered and then was unwanted. It is perfectly great stuff at what we hope will be a very discounted price. Anyway, we can't move forward with the house plans until we have these window. So this is really holding us up, and if we don't get it done before this weekend we will have to wait for another week or so. The man that we are supposed to talk to about it is going to be out of town. This whole house building thing is fun and frustrating all at the same time. I know it's kind of early, but i have been looking at paint colors and stuff. That is going to be the funnest part for me. =) It's a little pre-mature I know, but it keeps me going and make all the not so fun stuff a little easier.

All of this stuff reminded me of Ecclesiastes 3

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so
that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?

22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

There is a time for everything. I know that one of these days we will have a house. In God's time.

we're getting closer

2008-05-27T11:42:00.003-04:00

In the beginning, i started this blog so that we would have a place to share about our home building experience. So far there hasn't been much happening. My husband and I however have just recently started the ball rolling. Yay! I am really excited! I know that it will take awhile, but I am just happy that we (actually more my husband) has started working on it. Right now we are talking with Ubuildit. A company that helps with building projects. They are kind of like building consultants. I wasn't sure how I felt about them in the beginning, but after sitting down with the owner and hearing him tell us what exactly they did I felt much better about it. Even great about it. We haven't decided for sure that we are going to have them help us, but we will be decided with in the next couple of weeks. We'd appreciate your prayers about it. This is big for us.

i was shocked!

2008-05-06T12:08:00.004-04:00

Sunday evening around 11:00pm I call my sister Lydia to see if she will work in my place Monday morning. I had finally started my period (a week late) and I was really cramping. I asked Lydia to talk the work situation over with my other sister Hanna (our boss). Well apparently Lydia and Hanna were talking and my mom was around. Mom found out that I was late (she thought by two weeks).Later Hanna calls back to tell me not to worry about coming in Monday morning then she puts mom on the phone. Mom tells me that people are usually late because they are pregnant, which would be fine. I am married. Or because they are really stressed. So I told my mother that I wasn't late anymore, and asked her if she thought I was stressed. She said no. I think you are having a miscarriage. I was sitting there thinking, "what in the world did my mother just say to me"? I was shocked!!! Then I told mom that I was only one week late, and she said "oh". I thought you were two weeks late. Then she just went on to say all the things that mothers are supposed to say. She didn't even say she was sorry for the misunderstanding, and it was a BIG one! When I got off the phone I still couldn't believe that she not only thought I was having a miscarriage, but that she just came out and told me as much. She didn't ask me any questions first. She didn't say, "Sara, maybe you should go see your doctor. Nothing...... She just came out and said she thought i was pregnant and that I just lost the baby. SHOCKER! Imagine if I WAS really pregnant!

Mothers, this part is for and to you. PLEASE!If you think something like this (miscarriage) is going on with your daughter don't just come out and say it. Tell her you think she should see her doctor, think of something! It will go over much better.

If I thought I was having a miscarriage I would freak out, and I most certainly wouldn't be at home asking for a day off work. I would be at the hospital! I have no doubt.

And again, if you think something like a miscarriage is happening to someone you know the last thing they need to hear is you telling them that.

Ok, just had to get that off my chest...

Missing My Husband

2008-04-07T22:43:00.006-04:00

I am so missing my husband. He has gone to New Bern, NC to pick up his parents. They have been sailing around in the Bahamas since the last week in October. I have missed them so much! We are so glad that they are coming back for awhile. Now I just miss James. He'll be back tomorrow evening though, if all goes as planned. I hope it does. I don't like being here by myself at all. =(

I know I haven't blogged in over a month. So I will get you all caught up on things here. Our fish Zebedee pasted away a few weeks ago. I believe he ate too much. Sad I know, but we have another fish now. He's really ugly so we've named him, Judas the Scariest. It just seemed to fit. LOL

Last weekend was a lot of fun for me. My five sisters and I decided to have a girls only weekend. It was so much fun! We all went to Ruston, La, my oldest sister Janel lives there in the house that we all grew up in. We went to lot of garage sales, got our nails done, and just spent time together.
Rebeka (25), Janel (29), ME (19), Lydia (17), Esther (14), Hanna (27)

It was a weekend we all needed. I just wish we didn't have to drive 12 hours to get there. I think we have decided that this is something we need to do at least every couple of years. I'm glad. I don't want to lose the closeness that we have as sisters. A sister is a special kind of friend. I wouldn't want to live my life without each and every one of them.

2008-02-22T13:08:00.004-05:00

I know it's been awhile since I posted anything more then pictures. So lets see what I can come up with. Marriage is finally starting to sink in a little. As I said before James and I would like to build a house. A process that I thought would be a little easier, and we haven't even started yet. I know that we will get it all figured out. It'll just take time. Right now things aren't going as quickly as I would like. Maybe the Lord is trying to teach me patience. As a result, I am going to keep my eyes open for a full-time job. Right now I am working two part-time jobs. I know that I could be doing better on my part of all this. I just don't want to get stuck in a full-time job that I don't like. With my part-time jobs, one of them I like fine, and the other not so much. I just don't really know what I would like to do. I guess I probably should have gone to school a couple of years ago. But I can't change that now. I could go now, but that would slow the house thing down even more, and I really don't want to do that. So who knows what will happen.

Aside from all of that. My younger sister Lydia had just finished high school. (YaY!!!). So soon hopefully she will be moving on to bigger and better things in life. (Like School) !!!

guess that's enough for now. hopefully it won't be so long before my next post.

2008-02-20T12:48:00.004-05:00

Lydia came over yesterday to work on her graduation invitations, and we took a few pictures.

Me

Esther, Mom, Hanna, Lydia, And I at a Valentine's party

Lydia and I

Mississippi '08

2008-01-24T08:53:00.000-05:00

James and I in Macon, GA. We stopped at a rest stop for a map and some directions.

Christmas morning in January. Someone gave Rebeka spray deodorant. (i think it was dad, maybe he thought it was funny?)

Opening all the presents. :)

My crazy sister-in-law, Stacia!

My mom cleaning the kitchen

Nathan and Hanna

Jesse playing with dad's hat

Nathan, Janel and Jesse- showing some love

Jesse posing for some pics

Jesse again- He's the cutest!

Scruggles

We all decided it would be fun to do a puzzle

Esther and Jesse

Here is the puzzle finished. Yes, it's missing one piece. =(

Dad, Aaron, and James working in the flower beds.

Lydia and Jesse hanging out outside.

Jesse

Dad and Aaron working some more.

Nathan's truck (John D)

My wonderful husband!!! =)

James and I having fun!

Lydia- i'm not sure what she is doing.

James and I again

And again, it was fun...until he started running around the yard with me on his shoulders.

kickin' the ball

Not sure what was going on here.

Kickin' the ball some more, but this time Scruggles wanted to play too.

Head ball

wild

Jesse and Esther playing the keyboard.

This was a fun trip. We all (my parents, 5 sisters, 3 brothers, and 4 in-laws, and my nephew) stayed at my brother Nathan's house. I don't know how his wife put up with all of us. She's amazing for sure!

Saying Grace In A Restaurant

2008-01-16T12:40:00.000-05:00

Usually I wouldn't post a forward, but this one was really good. And it does help that I am a BIG fan of Ice Cream! :)

Saying Grace In A Restaurant

Last week, I took my children to a restaurant.

My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, 'God is good, God is great. Thank
you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream
for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!'

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard
a woman remark, 'That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't
even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!'

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, 'Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?'

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,
and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the
table.

He winked at my son and said, 'I happen to know that God thought
that was a great prayer.'

'Really?' my son asked.

'Cross my heart,' the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing), 'Too bad she never asks God for
ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.'

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My
son stared at his for a moment, and then di d something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and
placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, 'Here, this
is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good
already.'

The End

I hope God sends you some Ice Cream today!

Mountain Biking Saturday

2008-01-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

James and I decided to take my little brother Andrew with us biking Saturday. It was going to be James, Andrew, our friend Andy and his girlfriend Carmen. We all met at the park as usual. Carmen hadn't been on a bike in awhile so she rode around a little to get used to it. Then we started the ride. Carmen was a trooper, but not long into the ride she had a accident. She hit some roots and rock, and fell with her face on a rock. She ended up slicing a nice gash on her brow bone. She had to have 5 stitches. OUCH!!! I felt so bad for her- Her first ride and she gets all beat up. After that happened we decided to call it a day. So James, Andrew and I went to Stax for lunch, then went to wal-mart to get Andrew a bike helmet.

Later Saturday evening James and I went to the cabin. We had some smoked meat. YUM YUM! Home smoked. It was the best I've had in a long time.=)

Yesterday we literally did nothing, and it was great! We didn't go to church, i never got out of my Pj's, we just talked and watched TV, and did laundry. I loved it!!!!

It's Friday

2008-01-11T13:15:00.000-05:00

Friday! Finally. This is my favorite part of the week- the weekend. Tomorrow James and I are planning to mountain bike downtown with some friends, and then hang out for awhile. I am so looking forward to it! We haven't been able to ride for a few weeks, and we really need the workout. As far as I have heard it should be a nice day tomorrow, but it may be a little cool. The sun has finally come out today. =)

Here is a little more about me. I have worked at a lumber yard for the past 4 years. It's never really been my favorite place, but it worked for me. Right now, and for the past while it has not really worked for me. I really like the flexibility of the job. I work part time and come and go pretty much as i please. The atmospher is terrible though. So I am thinking about doing something else. Maybe something like a coffee shop. I would love to be able to work 4 or 5 hours in the mornings. I work for a packaging store also. It's fun, but it takes up all of my evenings, and i'm not crazy about that. Although I'm not a big on cooking, I like being home when my husband gets home from work.

I am also thinking a little about going to school. I haven't decided anything yet. I really just started thinking about it at all. The idea sounds nice, but you just never know. And I have no idea what I would take. Hmmmm........ I will keep thinking about it.......

2008-01-06T22:44:00.001-05:00

The Family

Aaron, Janel, Jesse, Rebeka, Esther, Dad, Mom, Me, James, Andrew, L.D., Ashley, Stacia, Nathan, Lydia, Hanna

Above is a picture of the whole family. Wow! It won't be long before we won't all be able to fit in one picture together. =) Our wedding was awesome! Thanks to our friend Dr. H. He made our day so special! It was great to have everyone there, too.

all the girls- Stacia (sister-in-law), Janel, Rebeka, Me, Esther, Ashley (sister-in-law), Hanna, Lydia

this is new to me

2008-01-04T11:36:00.000-05:00

I've never had a blog before so this is all a little new to me. Guess we'll see if it works out. Here is a little about me. I'm 19 years old. I just got married on October 20th. My husband James is the most wonderful man in the world, and I love him with all of my heart!!! I live in the small town of Fountain Inn. It's nice and quiet, most of the time. :) We have a black lab named Pete. He's a pure country dog. He love the being outside, chasing squirrels, and rolling in the cow pasture next door.

Soon we plan to begin building our new house. We are so excited about getting started!!! You can be sure that once that happens I will post all kinds of pictures.