Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families,
Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome
Part 1
Reprinted from the website: www.nogreaterjoy.org
August and November 2008 Online Editions.
(Reprinted from the website www.nogreaterjoy.org August 2008 Edition)
Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families, Part 1
Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome
By: Michael & Debi Pearl
The Foger family came to stay with us one spring about 12 years ago while they were on furlough from
Their eighth child was soon to be delivered. Although I had just met the family, I was highly impressed by them. The oldest daughter, 19 years old, was a joyful, hardworking, energetic, blue-eyed beauty. The next, a 17 year old son, was cut in the mold of his father, dedicated, reserved, and very mission-minded. The five other children were 13 years old and younger. The family sang together with strong, forceful voices, no bashfulness among them. The two oldest children provided the instrumental accompaniment. It was an experience just listening to such a group.
They all understood and spoke two languages. The oldest two children spoke three languages. The father had left
While we sat around one evening, the mother casually asked us to pray that their daughter find a husband before they left for
That next year we received a mission card with their picture. There were only six children in the picture. The mission letter briefly stated that the oldest son was in Bible school and the daughter was married.
Over the years I received their missions update. I noted that the parents were growing fatter and grayer. The children disappeared from the picture, one or two every year or so. It was sad to see the diminishing of such a magnificent family. The mission letters were filled with gospel film presentations to prisoners and villagers, church camps, protracted meetings, people getting saved, and only a brief mention of their now grown children. They would write something like, "Joshua and his wife are in Romania serving as missionaries; Peter and his wife are in Russia working with the something ministry; Sara married this year. Her husband is the pastor of a church." And so it went.
Today we receive mission letters from their now grown and ministering children. I see their families expanding. Their joyful, energetic, blue-eyed beauty of a daughter is now the mother of six children. Her family is growing up in Cajun country. I know if I meet them I will be very impressed. I heard that they sing like soldiers…with power and command.
I am thankful for the testimony of the Foger family as well as other families that have come into our lives. They are a prototype to help us understand the problems that are arising among some older homeschooling families. We call it by different names. Today it is the Cloistered Homeschooled Syndrome. Briefly, it is the failure of the parents to understand, appreciate, and respect the individuality of their adult children. They sacrifice the individual identities of their children on the altar of their own emotional needs, making them nurse when they should be killing and dressing their own food, making them obey when they should be learning to command. They seem to think that grown children are God's gift to them rather than their gift to God. Through letters and personal contact, we see more and more of this cult-like isolationism, parents demanding absolute allegiance to the family group, and fearing outside contact might break up their "fellowship." Adult kids who want to launch out on their own are told that they are rebellious and disloyal and are causing grief to those who have nurtured them. Emotionally needy parents manipulate their grown children into remaining loyal to the unit. Thirty-year-old daughters sit at home acting as surrogate mothers, watching their prospects to ever be a mother dwindle.
You cannot stop a tree from growing without killing it or deforming it. Likewise, every year of one's life up until about the age of twenty-one or twenty-two is a year of radical change and development. Some parents are trying to stop that development, clinging to their teenagers like they were six years old. We have observed the victims many times. They either flee their chains in anger, or they are slowly smothered into inordinate submission, and their personalities die as they merge into the ego of their dependent parents.
This medieval hierarchy is preached as Bible doctrine. Father and Mother as King and Queen of their little kingdom preach the divine right of Kings and parents—"Obey me without question, for it is your manifest destiny." Their "patriarchal" status is the only expression of their significance in an otherwise disconnected world, and they milk it until their children are dry and lifeless in spirit, or until they fly away to breathe fresh air.
For over a year we have been discussing this subject, thinking about how to address it. We have talked with many young adults who are, or were, held captive, the rebellious and the subdued, those who are disciples of Christ and those who are worldly and lost. We have spoken with families who lost their children early, in their teens, and families who lost a child to the world in their twenties or later.
How did this happen? It is the old pendulum at work. Thirty to forty years ago Christian parents were losing their children to the world through public schools, public churches, and public play. The family was disconnected and dating was the norm. We rebelled against the soul eating monster and took charge of our lives. Our children would not be raised on the TV. They would not lose their virginity in a school bathroom or under the stairwell. No more evolutionary philosophy and godless history and science. We took our children home and taught them from used books and the Bible. We created culture anew, abstaining from mega churches with their youth groups and revolving boy-girl relationships. We parents became the principle influence in our children's lives, selecting their friends and ours with care. No overnight sleeps or backyard playhouses with closing doors. Family worship and Bible study took the place of Television. Once again parents were in charge and there was hope.
It felt good to be in control of our own destiny, to not be a victim, to know that our children would escape the sin and shame that some of us had to go through before we came to Christ.
There was a vacuum, a need for leaders to arise and define what had become a movement, to clarify our journey and give us direction through uncharted waters. First, curriculum was written, then seminars. Sub-movements arose to flesh out the new culture, specialists addressing every conceivable issue—head coverings, dress, doctrine, spanking, scheduled nursing, Kosher foods and Jewish practices, and the list goes on. Books were written, some good, some not so good. Then someone pulled from ancient Chaldean and Sumerian culture, also practiced by Jews of that day as reflected in Scripture, a system of Patriarchal rule. It was the way nomadic clans were held together, a necessity of the times, but never taught by Moses, the prophets, or Christ as God's divine plan.
I laughed the first time I hear of the Patriarchal Movement. "It will never fly," I said, "People are not that gullible." But they were. Daddies who were never in charge of anything, maybe not even their wives, were finally given justification for assuming the throne. Yippee!
It is now become a disease of epic proportions. We call them PDFs, Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families. The children are treated as permanent property of the parents. If they don't marry, and many of them never have the opportunity, they remain at home as a sort of indentured servant, never rising to the status of an adult, always under authority of the head of the clan, the Patriarch Daddy. Don't snicker. A lot of kids are hurting. And if you want to see something scary, try to conduct a betrothal with two patriarchal mothers involved. It is uggggly.
Daughter sits at home serving the younger children and doing Mama's chores—waiting for God's choice. Daddy and Mama hold their merchandise guardedly, waiting for a buyer who never comes.
What is pitiful is the whole process is done in hopes of getting the perfect will of God, but one vital ingredient is missing—encouraging your children to become responsible, autonomous, well educated, and experienced adults as soon as possible. You should have trained your sons to be men by the time they are fifteen, independent by the time they are eighteen. Your daughters should be capable of living apart from the family by the time they are eighteen and should be allowed to make their own life's decisions somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty. Unmarried, grown (18 years old) children may remain at home; it is good if they do; but the parent-child relationship should evolve into an adult-adult relationship by the time they are sixteen to eighteen years old. Parents should have earned the right to give advice, and kids should have grown in wisdom enough to ask for it. But a parent should never invoke his parental authority on a grown kid. It is demeaning to both and akin to not being potty trained.
To teach a student to drive or fly a plane and then always make him be in the company of his parents is degrading. You teach them so they can become independent of you. Whose need is being met when a Father treats a 22-year-old girl like a child, dictating the parameters of her choices?
The glory of a parent is to work himself out of a job, to stand back and see his kids fly solo. I expected to have supplanted myself by the time my kids were eighteen. And so it was. Long before that, I began to confer with them adult to adult. I have stepped back and allowed them to make decisions that I knew were not the best choices, and sometimes I was wrong; they were wiser than I.
Space does not allow us to say more at this time. More will come later. Sit down and talk with your nearly grown kids. Ask them what they want, feel, aspire to. Don't express hurt, and don't emotionally manipulate them. Encourage them to pursue their dreams and support them in their effort.
In 1996, our daughter Rebekah Joy, then a 20-year-old in training to be a linguist, wrote this poem. At the time, the poem was the future; it was full of promise and hope.
There is a mighty army
Being trained to stand and fight.
A Battlefield of soldiers
Learning what is right.
A Company of warriors
That will boldly take the Word
To every tribe and nation
Til every soul has heard.
There is a mighty army,
I've seen them everywhere.
Most are wearing diapers
And dragging Teddy Bears.
Infants in the training
Drilled in right and wrong.
Mom and Dad are making
Soldiers brave and strong.
There is a mighty army
Trained in righteous war.
Cheer them on to victory,
Children of the Lord!
At 22 years old, Rebekah went into a remote mountain range of
It was her understanding of languages that gave us the information needed to pass on to veteran missionary Tom Gaudet. He is a publisher of Bibles into obscure languages. He sent out an appeal on the web for any translator that might have been working on a common language of that area. He received 14 replies. One was from a missionary who had spent 35 years translating the Bible, but when he went home he couldn't raise the money to get it printed. Tom pulled together all the translators, had them correct each other's work and settle on a finished manuscript. We raised the money to get 20,000 printed and shipped.
Sending a beautiful, unassertive, young woman is not God's usual way. He was proving a point. He was making a statement to her, to us and to you. "If I can protect and use this young girl to win a remote tribal people, then I can do the same for you."
Rebekah kept a diary of those years, which we read when she came home. We wept at her courage and resolve. We wept that we had the honor of being her parents. We published Rebekah's Diary in 1997. She was such a regular, normal girl until God gave her the vision of reaching a tribe. A few years ago, missionaries contacted us and told us that there are now seven strong villages of believers on that mountain and that the village men proudly carry their Bibles under their arms.
Because a young girl went willingly…
Because we, HER PARENTS, didn't say no.
Because she would have obeyed us and stayed home.
But we cheered her on to victory…
(Reprinted from the website www.nogreaterjoy.org November 2008 Edition)
Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families,
Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome, Part 2
By: Michael & Debi Pearl
They plod on in blind faith trying to do better, but they blame their failure on their children...When things don't work out like the model they have been presented, they shut the door tighter against the world outside, not realizing that their failure... is actually a universal side effect of a very bad idea.
The response to our first article in this series has been phenomenal. The need was far greater than we imagined. The questions we've received have run in the same vein:
• Is the Patriarchal doctrine scriptural?
• What does the Bible mean when it commands us to honor our father
and mother?
• What can I do to stop feeling guilty?
• How can I help my siblings escape their bondage?
• How can I help my parents overcome their bitterness and rejection?
• When and under what circumstances can I act contrary to my parents' wishes?
This article is quite long, largely because we have recorded portions of more than a dozen letters. If I tried to convey the ideas you will read in these letters, you would think I was overstating the facts. These letters speak volumes. I am convinced that this "Patriarchal" evil disguised as righteousness will be disposed of by simply dragging it into the light. The facts are too embarrassing and shameful for this pretense to continue. Many have continued to be faithful to their patriarchal precepts in spite of the many indications of failure, convincing themselves that their poor family experience is the exception. They plod on in blind faith trying to do better, but they blame their failure on their children, accusing them of worldliness and rebellion. When things don't work out like the model they have been presented, they shut the door tighter against the world outside, not realizing that their failure is visible to the whole world, and is actually a universal side effect of a very bad idea.
There has been a sacred hush over the exalted doctrine of the patriarchal family. None dare question a system that stands for a recovery of Biblical values and promises to restore the family to a Christian culture. The headline is respectable and is innocent-sounding enough—Patriarchal Family. After all, doesn't the Bible tell us that the husband is the head of the woman and of his house and that children are to obey their parents?
I understand the motivation of the Patriarchal authors and purveyors. The crumbling of the Christian culture calls for radical solutions. The church is in desperate need to be reconstructed in accordance with the Word and the Spirit. The world seeps into our children like cold air into a log cabin in a ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />
The Patriarchal/Extended Family movement has been around long enough to demonstrate its bankruptcy. It is time to lay it aside and go back to the old-fashioned Holy Spirit-filled family—a family "in the world" ministering, but not "of the world." These true families are overcomers, not barricaded babies. They are militant godly witnesses of the gospel of Jesus Christ, not fearful, isolated survivors of an evil and intimidating culture.
A Physician's Perspective:
Dear Pearls,
As a family physician who sees many homeschool families in my office, I am fully aware of how much damage is being done to young women because of this "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome." It started with good intentions, but has grown so far out of balance that these families are becoming dysfunctional.
80% of my patients are Christians, and a good majority of them are homeschoolers. I have worked with over twenty young ladies from 20 to 35 years of age who are so sheltered that they have no freedom to minister outside of their homes unless they work directly under their fathers. They have no freedom in Christ and must only associate with those who walk, talk, and look just as they do. To desire to be educated as an adult or to think on their own is forbidden. To have friends who do not belong to the "accepted group of believers" is unthinkable to the family.
This false teaching is creating a growing number of health problems in our young adult daughters in these homes, and also among the wives who are being forced to believe and teach these untruths to their children as truth. Satan is using this new Patriarchal teaching to destroy families in the Christian community everywhere. The effects of it is destroying believers' bodies due to extreme stress, and is taking them right out of their ministry to unbelievers, because they are too sick and are such a poor testimony to the world around them.
Please accept my gratitude for what you are doing, and please follow up on this important homeschool issue before more families are divided or destroyed.
Thanks for understanding.
Clip their wings.
Dear Mr. Pearl,
While homeschooling my own kids many years ago, we read an article that told about how certain ants secrete a hormone that prevents aphids from growing wings and flying away, allowing the ants to "farm" the aphids for the honeydew they produce. This is exactly what my parents did to us. We weren't just discouraged from exercising our wings and flying from the nest, we were prevented from growing wings at all!
I tend to believe that many of the Patriarchal families you speak of are really Matriarchal families. And if you think this is impossible, you have never experienced the power and mind control an extremely intelligent and manipulative mother can have over her (young) children's minds, and to some extent (though it may take years), over her husband. I don't know if she really controls my dad; I think he just gave up.
My 35-year-old (at the time) married sister once told me: "I won't cross the street without asking Mom and Dad for their permission!" And she was proud of this. You can imagine what her marriage is like. She has also copied my mom's manipulative tendencies and loves to cuddle up to my dad and "nurse" the wounds he suffers at the hands of my mother's controlling spirit.
When my mother, with my father's silent consent, tried to control her daughters-in-law and sons-in-law, they refused to submit, so mother treated them as unfaithful to the family, and expected the rest of the family to respond in kind.
We are expected to live our lives exactly as Mom and Dad ordain. We are to worship, think, believe, eat, work, and spend our leisure only with their approval. I watched as my mom became worse and worse in her "Queenship," the older she got and the older her (once little) subjects became. The fruit of her control has been family infighting and divorce.
I wish I could say that I knew how to "handle" my mom (my family) and her ways, and that I had stuck around to try and witness to them, but I have no idea how to handle her (them). And I refused to sacrifice my wife and kids any longer while I tried.
So, I took my family and left. I have severed all contact with my parents and siblings. My parents have made it very clear to everyone how my family has hurt them terribly by this separation.
My siblings throw at me: "You are not honoring your parents, and they may die soon. You are not a Christian, because if you were, you would follow the program!"
Yup! This kind of bizarre stuff goes on! We need to wake up and say, "NO MORE!" And stop pretending this sickness is what God meant by "honoring parents"!
I do not regret leaving. However, I do regret that my parents do not get to be a part of their grandkids' lives, that my kids don't get to know their cousins, and that we miss out on extended-family get-togethers. All because of my mother's refusal to let go, my dad's refusal to be a man, and my siblings' terror over admitting any of this! And my not knowing what to do to make things better!
Thanks again, A freed man
Got it right.
Dear Mr. Pearl,
I am from a Patriarchal Dysfunctional Family, as you put it. At 25 years of age, I left my father's home along with two of my younger sisters. We praise the Lord for providing wise counselors and pastoral support as we made the decision to leave the home. My father was the head of his own church, so we had to find counsel and pastors to help us realize the error of these teachings. I know that without them, I would have probably turned my back on Christ. To this day, we still do not have a relationship with my parents since we will not "repent" of forsaking our parents' authority and leaving "their" roof. Even though we reach out in love to them, they will not allow us to have relationships with our younger siblings or have contact with them. Yet, all three of us attend strong Bible-believing churches and are actively involved in ministry.
In many ways, I have come to understand that my love for Christ must be stronger than love for mother or father. "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). I never thought this is what my life would be like, but my love for my Lord has grown so much deeper. I hope others come to realize how devastating the Patriarch Movement is. Because my family was an "idol" in the Patriarch Movement (especially in the Vision Forum arena), the pressure and rejection we received was very severe when we left.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I know so many families who could benefit from this article. May the Lord bless you all richly.
Better late than never.
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Pearl,
This goes back to the question you asked in the article "Where are the Men?" Well, I became a man six years ago and eventually got out of Dodge! Thank you for your article. I needed that. Believe it or not, I still (occasionally) wrestle with guilt over leaving my family. My mom's influence is still hard to break at 40-some years of age! Actually, the sadness I feel is not over what I did, but over what our family misses as a result of this mess.
Fear.
Dear Mike & Debi,
I grew up in the worst of the cloistered dysfunctional families, and I can tell you the source of it is what God tells us we are not to have if we are His – FEAR. These parents FEAR too much. Just like the person who never leaves home for fear of being run over, these parents FEAR losing their kids. The parents believe they somehow are the only ones who know what is best for their maturing and adult children, and they thrive (literally) on their maturing and adult kids' attention, honor and obedience.
The children they have worked so hard to teach and train their way are now, as young adults, treated like ignorant and hopeless individuals. For them, God is considered powerless…even in the most conservative Christian circles.
Did it Right!
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pearl,
I have just read your article, "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome", and just want to stand on a chair and holler, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I am a homeschool product whose parents raised as an individual, with an intricate part of our close family, but with unique giftings. By the age of 14, I was an equal with my mom and dad, helping to raise my five younger siblings, not as a slave, but as my mom's partner and "right hand woman." As her peer, I learned through her example wifehood and mothering. I was her buddy and friend, and she was my mentor and role model. My parents realized that I had a call for missions on my life, and I spent my childhood and teen years nurturing independence and life skills so that I would be prepared for when we would be parted. As I write this from my living room in
—Rebekah
Dead Inside.
Dear Mike & Debi,
I am a 25-year-old girl in one of these Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families. God gave me verses like Matt.10:32-39 and Luke 14:25-35, and asked me to give my heart fully to Him. He is, after all, a jealous God. My parents want me to give my heart to my father, and to follow them. I love my parents, and I do not want to hurt them or seem ungrateful. I actually enjoy being at home still, but feel as though I will be a perpetual child if I remain there. More importantly, I know that the Lord is calling me out so I can follow Him. I'm not allowed to believe differently from my parents' beliefs. Up until now, I have never had to trust God or have faith in Him, because I was just to follow my parents. But the longer I and my siblings stay at home, the more we are finding out that although we have been given the whole world, we are losing our souls. We are feeling dead inside. Is there a way to remain at home, under our parents, and be alive? Am I still supposed to relate to my parents like a child, or do I follow Christ as an individual? I was always taught that God wouldn't speak to me unless He also spoke to my father and gave him peace. Anything else was attributed to the Devil leading me and wanting to break up our home. Where does headship come into all of this? I do still want to honor my father and have him be my head, but how? Can I move from home and be alive in Christ, or must I remain at home to stay in His will? I have not been allowed to make a 'life' decision, and I would like my father's wisdom, but not his control.
No, my father doesn't know I'm writing to you. He doesn't agree with Michael Pearl, but agrees with Debi and the book, Created to Be His Helpmeet. He lets us get the No Greater Joy magazine, and each issue has an article that seems like you've been spying on our family by the way you address some issues. I just want answers so I can know my place. Thank you, if you can help me. I won't be offended if you tell me to stay under my father, or if you won't answer my questions without his ok.
What can I do?
I've already suggested counseling.
Dear Pearls,
I read your article, Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome. What do you do when your family is like this? What do you do when you are 23 and your father uses the word "submission" to control me, my mom, and my brothers and sisters? How does God want us to handle it? Is there any way to fix it, or does God want me to just wait for him to act? I've already suggested counseling, and they won't hear of it. Should I just pray? I'm at a loss.
Directionless.
Dear Mr. Pearl,
I am a 27-year-old single woman who read your article "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome" with great interest. How could you know what had been swirling in my head the past month? These past year(s)? I'm still at home with my parents, my family of three siblings (one is married), and am honestly directionless. I was raised with the mindset that I would get married shortly after high school, but after that didn't happen, and I became 21 and 22, my parents kept feeding me that I just needed to stay home, be patient, and the right guy would come. When I was 25, I finally was given permission to branch out and serve full time in a ministry away from home. I loved it. I finally felt like I had something to love in my single years and knew this was where the Lord wanted me. But my parents called me home after 9 months. Since then, I have felt incapable of hearing from the Lord. I was 100% convinced that this was God's leading to work at this ministry, and I went with my dad's blessing (even though it wasn't his first choice). It doesn't seem right, I'm still considered a kid, and treated as incapable of making decisions. I'm being molded into what my parents want me to be, not what God may have for me, even if it is completely different. It's incredibly frustrating. I don't want to live this way until I get married or, the rest of my life should God choose not to bless in that area. I don't want to be a rebellious daughter. I don't want to bring them heartache and sadness. But I do want to follow the Lord's leading—and what if that is different from their dreams? Can I do so and not be condemned?
How can parents learn to let go? How can adult children change their mindset so that they are not in rebellion to want to even think this way? Thank you for your time, and THANK YOU for your ministry.
A Reader
Angry Mother.
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Pearl,
I am a very concerned and frustrated 23-year-old daughter. My family has been having difficulties for some time now. I am no longer willing to be passive in regard to my mother's control. She has poured her life into her children, and I am so very grateful for her, but when my brother went to work out of town, my mother had a nervous breakdown. She had to talk to him on the phone at least once a day and became completely distraught when he would only talk a few minutes, saying he had to get back to work. When my brother refused to promise that he would live at home until he was married, she considered this to be a breaking up of her family and wrote my brother an eight-page letter telling him how sinful he was.
This past summer, I felt God's call for me to go to Bible college. God has impressed on my heart that NOW is the time for me to prepare myself for a life of service with whomever God calls me to marry. Mother let me go for one semester. There are those in my life who think a girl is not to leave home until married and does not need education like a man. I love being a girl and a keeper at home, and I expect to be a wife, submissive to my husband, but I will never be a houseplant. The very way God has made me requires me to learn constantly, to be active, and to live for more. I have a passion for learning and an adventurous spirit.
My father and I are very close, and I get his advice and blessing in what I do. When I returned home from college, I talked to my father about what God was teaching me, and I told him that I felt God was calling me to a different path, and that I wanted to return to college, and I wanted his prayer. I was so struck by how blessed I was to have a father with whom I can have such discussions. He was very encouraging and gave me his blessing, telling me he had been feeling the same way.
Then I went to tell my mother, and as soon as I said, "I am praying about returning to college" she blew up in tears and anger. In short, she wants me to stay home, get married, have grandkids, and live next door so she can have a big "multigenerational family." My mother says "a guy might not like a girl too educated," but I don't want to marry a man who is intimidated because his wife is intelligent and informed.
I am not sure how to deal with this. My mother tries to wear me down by talking about it every day for hours. Yesterday, I spent almost five hours listening to her. She told me that she thinks I don't respect her because I usually talk to my father first about things like college and such. Well, the fact is that my mother doesn't agree with my father on much and fights over everything. I am not very close to her, but I do go to her because of respect, even when I know she will go against me and against my father. She said I am rebellious and sinful. She will "not give her blessing for things she doesn't agree with," and I "will have to live with the consequences and pain of that."
She is chronically depressed, upset, and often points out the spiritual fault of all of us in this family—including my father. She thinks she is more spiritual than he is.
She says I've crushed her dreams and essentially ruined her life. She "doesn't like who I've become." Truly, my heart is to respect and honor both my parents, and I try so very hard. My father says that with him, I am being submissive and respectful. My mother says I am not with her…I should trust her judgment because she is a woman, and my father doesn't understand about girls as much.
It is difficult living in a home that is ripped apart daily by anger and tears. Most of all, I want to know how to act towards my mother. What does one do with two parents of different views? What more can I do to honor a mother with bitterness and constant conflict. She is very, very "spiritual" and will often cry and pray hours upon hours and read her Bible and always comes away with a message for us. The house is neglected, she doesn't want to see other people, and will not do any other activities unless pushed. I'm worried about her. I think she is mentally sick and, though this seems radical, oppressed by the Devil. Both my brother and I feel that our home often has a spirit of conflict and that can only be resisted by God's spirit of unity. I will continue to try to be kind and respectful in every way. My mother is incredibly insecure, so I will show her love with cards, notes, true words of encouragement, etc. Then, I will try to do something with her—a deliberate activity—once a week. I will pray for 1 Corinthians love. God has been with me for the past few years with her depressions and blow-ups towards the family.
Nothing may change in my situation, but I need to live victoriously. I have been amazed at the joy, peace, and presence of God I have every day. I think my father is often shocked at the peace and quiet joy with which I carry myself…It is ONLY GOD's doing. He is preparing me, and everything He does is on purpose, so I am not bitter or trying to get out of a lesson He has for me.
I have specific questions. Where is my place as a daughter? What is my role before marriage? Where does what God is telling me come in? Even more, what can I do to help her out of her prison? Life has to be miserable for her living like this. She is so unhappy and always worried. Guilt makes me feel that I am sinful and cannot serve God with the gifts He has given.
I cannot tell you how delighted I was to discover your article on this subject. It will probably make my mother mad. And I know I am not the only one in such a place. Please write more on this subject. My mother really needs to read it.
Mother raises independent adults.
Dear Mr. Pearl,
I just finished reading the article called "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome." Our oldest daughter (19 at that time; we have four more children age 7–12) left our little nest in May to serve at a Bible Camp in
Rectified Misunderstanding...
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Pearl,
...is all I can say for your article on the Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome. In fact, it seems opposite of what most people "accuse" you of. I am most grateful that you have rectified this misunderstanding. We have had families in our church in the past who advocated exactly what you are writing AGAINST and saying that is how ALL TRUE Christian families should act. They say that Dad is the "high priest", grown daughters should not show aptitude for anything, except perhaps midwifery or herbology, and should never venture out on their own (even at 20 or 30 years of age!). Single or widowed daughters must move right back home, because they are now again under their father's authority because they are without a husband, etc. etc. I have been trying for years to put my thoughts into words, and you said it exactly! Thank you!
Thirty but seems twelve.
Dear Mike & Debi,
Was I surprised! Your article hit home on the "cloistered family." My brother is 30 but seems 12. Until Dad's death last week, he made my brother live at home. While my dad lived, he NEVER let my brother get a job. He was simply there to do my dad's bidding. Now that my dad has passed, I have to figure out what to do with my brother. He is "mentally stable" but his social skills are pretty bad. Now I am trying to figure out what to do with him. I do not know where to start! I only wished my dad had your article to read 30 years ago. Seeing how Dad raised my brother helped me in seeing how not to raise my own children. Now, I TRULY LOVED MY DAD. But with his ways, he has put my brother and me down a road that seems to have no light at the moment. All because he was selfish. How do I get my brother to where he can take care of himself?
Stupid Guilt
Dear Mike & Debi,
A thousand thanks for your article, Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome. I was raised in a situation like the one you described. I have struggled with guilt for more than a decade over my decision to "fly away to breathe fresh air" against my father's wishes. By God's grace, I ended up marrying a wonderful Christian man and am continuing to follow after God, but I was left to my own devices with zero parental support for several years.
I'm in a reasonable relationship with my parents (Now that I'm married and in a new patriarchy, as they see it, they will talk to
Thanks so much for sharing your insight.
My parents are in my brain.
Dear Mr. Pearl,
I just wanted to express my thanks for your recent article called, "Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome". In reading it, I saw it fit my family to a "T". My husband and I left my parents' jurisdiction, so to speak, about 5 months ago. We have a little boy almost 2 years old. We have struggled on a daily basis with many doubts and insecurities and continue to face negativity from my parents. It has been hard, knowing that the decisions we make are not according to my parents' beliefs. My parents are very much in the Patriachal thinking, and it has damaged my family in many ways. I am the oldest of five children and have just now left at 33 years old. My brother (the youngest) left my parents in December last year, and my youngest sister just left about 2-3 months ago. My sister after me is turning 30 and is still at home. I worry about her, as she has a very private personality. She has gone through a lot, and I believe she has a tendency to depression. She invests her life in a couple of dogs, which I think is used as an escape, because they make her happy. I don't talk to my folks much because there is always a negative atmosphere or underlying attitude that is very hard for me to live with. I am not even in their presence, and yet I feel like my parents are in my brain. I fear what they think of me. I came to the understanding after I left my parents that I was using my mother as my Holy Spirit. I don't blame my parents, because I know that I make my own decisions, but when the LORD helped me see this, I just cried because I see where it has led me. I just want to be able to feel and experience the LORD working in my life and be led by his Spirit, but there is so much confusion…
Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families, Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome, Part 3
(Reprinted from the website www.nogreaterjoy.org November 2008 Edition)
MICHAEL PEARL RESPONDS
We have been inundated with letters like these testifying of dysfunctional families. The last time we had this strong of a response to an article was years ago when we first published the article "Jezebel". Reading your letters, we have come to see that the two issues are really one. Rather than speaking only of Patriarchal (ruled by men) dysfunctional families, we should also be speaking of the Matriarchal (ruled by women) dysfunctional families. It is a deadly combination. When a man adopts the doctrine of bringing his family under the umbrella of parental oversight, Jezebel, with her emotional need to be nursed beyond the toddler stage, seizes on the doctrine to justify and solidify her Matriarchal rule. Dad still needs a little nursing from time to time and doesn't want to sleep on the lonely side of the bed, so he goes along with it, pretending to be the authority. Not fully understanding what is happening, he allows her to wield awesome power in his name, and will not speak his mind about how he really feels because he does not want to appear unspiritual.
And then, there are those families where Dad is the patriarchal head of his family and does not share the throne with his wife. His Patriarchal status readily turns to a monarchical rule. He jealously tightens his control until he squeezes the ambition and independence out of his children and his wife. Absolutism prevails.
Thirdly, there are those sincere families that just get caught up in the latest "Christian" trends. They desire the best for their kids and have no twisted emotional needs, no compulsion to be king and queen of an everlasting kingdom. They do hope to see their children marry and become independent, but the patriarchal system they have adopted has enslaved them as well as their children. The family is weak, maybe hurting, and their children are not maturing as they had hoped, and they are ready to see this sad movement in its true light. These articles will free them like the dove turned out of the dark and smelly ark after a year of confinement, having been tossed around on the waves of destruction.
Those with the King and Queen compulsions will defend their silly doctrine until the last kid leaves in bitterness or disgust. Those who are led by the Spirit of God will welcome the light of liberation and will throw off their own shackles and open their children's cages.
Honour your father and mother.
Men and women ranging in age from 18 to 80 are asking, "What does it mean to honor my father and mother?" The Patriarchal movement has capitalized on the misperception that honor means obey. The Scriptures are clear, there is no age limit on honoring your parents. In Matthew 15, Jesus rebuked the religious leaders for not honoring their parents. But nowhere in the entire Bible is honor synonymous with obedience, and nowhere does the Bible even suggest that an adult should obey his parents. It speaks quite to the contrary.
Jesus said very plainly, "For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me" (Matt. 10:35–37).
The Bible viewed in its entirety—not cherry-picked—throws a lot of light on the subject of honor to parents.
Foundational Passages.
The word honor (honour) is found in the Bible 146 times.
Following are the two Old Testament accounts of foundational passage on honoring your father and mother, and the New Testament reference and affirmation of the commandment.
Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
Deuteronomy 5:16 Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
Ephesians 6:2–3 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
God promised the Jews that if they would honor their parents (no age limit), they would continue to live in the Promised Land, but if their society failed to honor parents, they would be cast out of the land.
What it means to honor.
Leviticus 19:32 Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.
1 Samuel 15:30–31 Then he said, I have sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and before ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />
Honor is Respect Due to a Person
Based On Any Consideration.
1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
If honor implies obedience, or conformity to the will of the other, then a husband is to obey his wife.
Honor all men.
Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
Romans 13:7 Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honour to whom honour.
1 Corinthians 12:23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.
1 Peter 2:17 Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king.
We know we are not to obey all men, but we are told to honor all men, so honor and obey are not synonymous. If honor were to equate with obedience, Samuel could not have honored Saul with his presence at the sacrifice.
Inappropriate honor.
Proverbs 26:1 As snow in summer, and as rain in harvest, so honour is not seemly for a fool.
Proverbs 26:8 As he that bindeth a stone in a sling, so is he that giveth honour to a fool. [It will come back and hit you in the head.]
Ecclesiastes 10:1 Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour: so doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour. [An otherwise honorable person who commits folly stinks.]
"Honour to whom honour," but no honor toward a fool, even if it is a parent. You honor your parents as the ones who gave you life and dedicated one fourth of their lives to nurturing you, but you shouldn't lie and cheapen honor by being blind. A grown woman who honors a father who molested her and has never repented and sought restitution, that woman is binding a stone in a sling and flinging it with a certainty of it returning and hitting her in the head.
Jesus on honoring your father and mother.
Mark 7:9 And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition.
10 For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:
11 But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free.
12 And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother;
13 Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.
Jesus gives us a clear example of what it means to honor your parents. He was speaking to grown men in positions of spiritual leadership who found a loophole in the Jewish law which permitted them to abdicate their responsibility to care for their aging parents. They took their savings and, as it were, put it in an account labeled: "Dedicated to God." Having done that, they couldn't access it to spend on their needy parents. No doubt after the parents were dead, the money would be transferred to a retirement account for themselves.
Not honoring is:
• Cursing parents (Matthew 15:4).
• Withholding financial support (Matthew 15:5).
• Not doing for them when they are in need (Mark 7:12).
There is no mention of descendants obeying their parents—never.
Honor is:
• Being kindly affectionate (Romans 12:10).
• Seeking the good of the other (Romans 12:10—"preferring one another").
• Respecting the office or position of a person (Romans 13:7).
• Bestowing more honor than their level of gifts suggest (1 Corinthians 12:23).
Bottom Line.
Ephesians 6:1 Children, [Those being brought up—Ephesians 6:4] obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
2 Honour [Obedience and honor are separate issues.] thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)
3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. [Children, the ones who are to obey their parents, are being brought up—not yet adults.]
5 Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters [Parents are not masters; they are mentors, and children are not servants.] according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ;
Obedience and honor are separate issues.
We know this to be true because:
• The words are spelled differently.
• They are never used interchangeably.
• The context in which they are used demonstrates a clear distinction.
• A distinction is made the only time the two words appear in close proximity.
(Ephesians 6:1–5). Children who are being brought up are to obey their parents (6:1). All are to honor their fathers and mothers (6:2). And servants are to be obedient to their masters (6:5). Different words, different meanings, different applications. It is all in the Word of God, but kept carefully separated and distinct from each other.
1 Peter 2:13–14 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
The language used here when commanding us to submit to government is conspicuously absent in those passages addressing the honoring of one's parents.
What Age?
What is the age at which a person stops being a child who is to obey and becomes an adult who assumes responsibility for his own life?
We don't need to guess. The Bible is clear.
Exodus 30:14 (38:26; Leviticus 27:3) Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD.
Numbers 1:3 From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in
Numbers 14:29 Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward, which have murmured against me,
A Jew was counted as one year old when he was born, and became two years old when he commenced his second year, at the beginning of his thirteenth month of life. The way we reckon age, on one's nineteenth birthday he is reckoned to be an adult, responsible for himself.
There is much more that needs to be said, which we will address in subsequent issues. Send your questions or comments. Feel free to challenge what I have said. I learn more from sincere challenges than from flattery.
